PREFACE
I can’t remember when I first thought about the fact that my life was very different from most women. It seemed to me that we girls were all pretty much equal in emotional makeup, as well as brainpower, and physical stamina. Naïve of me, because whether Woman or Man, we are not all blessed (or perhaps the word is cursed) to the same degree in our lifetime.
And so, many years passed before the dawn of realization dropped upon my doorstep. Certainly, I was in my 50’s and no longer marching at a dynamic pace. Only then did the light shine bright enough for me to see clearly.. The fact of the matter is that I wasn’t marching at all. I had lost a significant life's battle that affected all areas of my life. Life as I knew it, you see, had fallen apart. Physical, mental, and most of all emotional collapse changed my world. A "plague" had torn my body, my mind and my life into shreds. The darkness of this stress-related disease manipulated me into a cage from which I would never completely be free. But, it became one which I would eventually learn to accept and recognize as a blessing in disguise. In fact, these latter days may be the best days of my life.
The most peaceful and meaningful days of my life - - a fulfillment of my true destiny.
What I now realize, is that "The Force" had grabbed me by the throat, plunging me into long overdue and painful introspection. Into a time of self-realization. On the positive side, this calm, after the storm, provided the opportunity to grow and to learn. It helped me realize just how much the persecution I had felt (until the end of those achievement oriented days of my life), was NOT provoked by some shortcoming of my own. Rather, it was a manifestation of the jealousy many people felt toward a lady with an extraordinarily wide range of talents, intellectual prowess, and inner strength. All gifts that were brought into my life through no power of my own, but by the Grace of God. Ironically, it was predominantly jealous women, not men, who created the most havoc for me in my attempts to move forward throughout my life. And I now realize that it was because these qualities were not widely obvious in most women during the middle and toward the end of the 20th Century. What I didn't realize at the time, however, was the fact that as a woman, I should hide them. Alas, (melodramatic, huh?) I was an open book. The exceptional qualities I possessed had been very apparent to everyone but me. Unfortunate, because I never learned to protect myself from the resulting hurtful, vindictive, jealous actions that brought so many problems and so much pain into my life.
As I said earlier, the vindictive people were not only men - - but, ironically, more often than not, the persecutors were women of all ages, size, shape and ethnicity! These persecutors, from worst to least, began with my Mother, then sisters and brothers, other female relatives, friends, and co-workers. My God-given talents and my penchant for flexing my muscles in the face of any challenge, no matter the nature, were, after all, extremely threatening to the myriad of insecure people who came in and went out of my life.
Unfortunately, these were the type people I seemed to attract. The hangers-on of every type who followed my lead. These same people would ultimately rise up in revolt from my leadership and tenacity when I was no longer needed. (Although, I wasn’t aware that this was happening at the time.) You see, I wasn’t overtly attacking anyone or anything, my motives were merely that of right action coupled with a deep sense of responsibility. I suppose it is more commonly known as the actions of a Type A personality.
Throughout the early days of my life, I was very preoccupied with the hustle and bustle of merely living (or so I thought). There didn’t seem to be much time for true introspection or spirituality on any plane but the most basic. That is, there didn’t seem to be enough time for spiritual seeking; AND to forge a career; rise in the corporate environment (prior to ERA), raise children as a single parent; get educated; care for a house; charitable endeavors; and on and on. Yes, I had been seeking the "truth of life" for many years; but the searching was with my head and not with my heart. As stubborn a person as one would ever meet in their lifetime; it seems as though God had to hit me over the head with a huge baseball bat at mid-life before I was aware enough to "get it"!
There had been many growth attempts until this time; but the spiritual discoveries were merely fleeting and superficial. They were not truths of realization, or that touched my heart. Yet, they eventually proved to be steps in the right direction. Because I ultimately learned that we find God and the true meaning of life with our hearts, through our emotions, not through exercises of intellectualism.
This story, then, is about a woman's lifetime of false values and inability to find happiness, or even contentment, on the physical plane. It is proof, that achievement is not the key to that happiness, or contentment, let alone peace. Solely through total loss of health, financial security, ego, and painful rebirth did the true sunshine of life penetrate my mind, heart and soul…..
Heed my story well; this could become your own tale of woe.
JUST U WAIT AND SEE...
Copyright July 7, 1995
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